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 | M45A-2 Team Page |  |
| Team | Date Played | Opposition | Game Type | For | Against | Result |
| M45A-2 | Apr 10 | Berkeley Vale Rustics | Competition | 0 | 1 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Apr 17 | Gosford Cavemen | Competition | 3 | 1 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Apr 24 | Doyalson Wolves | Competition | 0 | 1 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | May 01 | Avoca Gummies | Competition | 3 | 0 | Win |
| M45A-2 | May 08 | Budgewoi Cobwebs | Competition | 1 | 2 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | May 15 | Killarney Fossils | Competition | 1 | 1 | Draw |
| M45A-2 | Jun 12 | Doyalson Wolves | Competition | 1 | 0 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Jun 19 | Avoca Gummies | Competition | 2 | 4 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Jun 26 | Budgewoi Cobwebs | Competition | 2 | 2 | Draw |
| M45A-2 | Jun 27 | Berkeley Vale Rustics | Competition | 3 | 2 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Jul 03 | Killarney Fossils | Competition | 1 | 5 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Jul 17 | Berkeley Vale Rustics | Competition | 0 | 2 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Jul 24 | Gosford Cavemen | Competition | 1 | 2 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Jul 25 | Kincumber Allstars | Competition | 0 | 2 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Aug 07 | Doyalson Wolves | Competition | 0 | 0 | Draw |
| M45A-2 | Aug 08 | Gosford Cavemen | Competition | 4 | 0 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Aug 14 | Avoca Gummies | Competition | 3 | 2 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Aug 21 | Budgewoi Cobwebs | Competition | 3 | 0 | Win |
| M45A-2 | Aug 22 | Kincumber Allstars | Competition | 2 | 3 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Aug 28 | Killarney Fossils | Competition | 0 | 3 | Loss |
| M45A-2 | Sep 01 | Kincumber Allstars | Competition | Forfeit | 2 | Loss |
 | Competition, Semis and Finals Statistics
|
M45A-2 Match Reports |
| Sep 01 M45A-2 vs Kincumber Allstars , Result: Forfeit - 2 Loss Unfortunately we had to forfeit due to lack of available players for this midweek game. |
| Aug 28 M45A-2 vs Killarney Fossils , Result: 0 - 3 Loss Relics Find Tossils Hard Relics / Tossils matches are always hard and tough affairs and the match on Saturday was no exception. Despite losing 3-0 the Relics pushed hard for the full 80 minutes and can feel proud of their efforts. The opening ten minutes were evenly contested with the Relics moving the ball around the park with enthusiasm and purpose. The Tossils, whilst not a one man team, continually looked for the Gus Bus at every opportunity. The Gus Bus, however, was being well managed by Blackbeard who was given the tough assignment from Crowch to mark the gangly striker. Midway through the first half the Relics were looking good and really putting it to the Tossils. The Tossils were becoming increasingly frustrated. Shadow was temporarily concussed after being unceremoniously smashed to the ground by an angry Tossil. Bung was barrelled by an equally violent act. These tactics soon paid dividends with the Gus Bus scoring from close to goal after several Tossils bustled their way forward into the box finding the feet of their striking sensation. Ten minutes later the Tossils had their second goal when again the Gus Bus was allowed to turn and shoot 15 metres from goal. The second half saw the Relics lift, trying hard to claw back a goal or two. Overall Blackbeard did a fantastic job in trying to stop the Gus Bus. Whizz worked well with Howler, Hat, Banker, Axe, Darchinyan and Crowch in attack. Statue, Toe, Bung, and Shadow were resolute in defence. The match was a great hit out in preparation for our last match of the season against the Superstars on Wednesday night. Bex |
| Aug 22 M45A-2 vs Kincumber Allstars , Result: 2 - 3 Loss THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (RELICS-ALLSTARS WARS II) The day dawned bright and for some the adrenalin was pumping. The Rebels (Relics) not so fresh from a tough victory over the Smugglers the previous day drifted slowly to the starting line for the much- anticipated kickoff of Relics-Allstars II. Missing from the line up was the eternally young Yoda (Shadow) and C-3PO (Posh) who had coincidently also missed the previous encounter. For the second time in the competition these two goliaths of talent were scheduled to meet in game two of a weekend double header. Is there no respect for the aged? And like some of the great sequels in history the match was billed to be better than the first for at least this time the Empire (Allstars) had also battled the previous day. Not unlike the first round encounter the Rebels started well despite the obvious tiredness and conducted several downfield raids early on. One attacking foray resulted in a well taken corner by the dashing Lando Calrissian (Blackbeard) seeing the ball drift towards the penalty spot and after being deflected by a Stormtrooper falling fortuitously at the feet of Obi-wan Kenobi (Banker). Most uncharacteristically for an ex-defender Obi-wan struck the ball sweetly through the crowd beating the obviously unsighted Man Mountain to give the Rebels an early lead, stunning his teammates, the opposition, spectators and betting agencies alike. Shortly after the Rebels again pressed forward until a battling R2-D2 (Darchinyan) was unceremoniously hit from behind by a Stormtrooper after bringing down a nice through ball into the Empire penalty box. The referee had no hesitation in pointing to the spot. His penalty taking prowess once again on show up stepped Luke Skywalker (Whiz) who using the force carefully placed the ball low and to Man Mountain’s right securing a two goal advantage for the Rebels. The Empire though shocked seemed all the more determined to right these wrongs. The game fluctuated for some time before an unfortunate raging Princess Leia (Dallas) committed an indiscretion some 25 meters out and almost straight in front. A well placed free kick combined with a likely unsighted Boba Fett (Smokey) saw the Empire drag one back before half time. Somewhat satisfied with the first half effort and the 2-1 lead the Rebels regrouped at half time extolling each other to keep the work rate up. The commencement of the second half saw the clearly rattled Empire take to the field with 13 players, a desperate attempt to shift the balance in their favour. It is understood that they had been told to start with the same line up as the first half and whether it was a Jedi mind trick or short term memory loss from early onset dementia it seems at least two Stormtroopers remembered starting when clearly they were but extras. The referees view was somewhat different and he mentioned educational shortcomings with poor numeracy skills when they endeavoured to correct the error by 3 players going off. Football is played by teams of 11 and the balance was eventually restored. The second half was a torrid affair and the Rebels struggled to get into the game with the Empire dominating possession. Both young Skywalker and Lando worked tirelessly in the midfield but the onslaught persisted and as the half progressed the desperation of the high flying Empire became more evident with the chatter amongst the team becoming fiery at times. The pressure exerted on the Rebels finally told mid way through the half when the Empire drew level. So to did the physical action intensify as the contest continued and as in the first round encounter the Empire again conceded 2 yellows cards for unwarranted rough play. Some spectators were heard to say a couple of the Stormtrooper tackles should have seen straight red cards but the referee was lenient. Finally after a valiant defensive effort the Rebels conceded a third goal and whilst the lead had changed, the attitude of the Empire hadn’t with continuing heated discussion amongst them and at times directed at the Rebels. Tragedy struck the Rebels late in the game when Han Solo (Wrecking Ball) the stalwart of the defence suffered a horrific collision and was helped from the field with chest pains. Whilst normally reliable for 80 minutes Wrecking Ball was encouraged to take a break and as though encased in carbonite sat quietly until the ambulance arrived to convey him to hospital for treatment, and good news is it’s only bruising. The situation was clearly emotional for Chewbacca (Howler) as he was heard to lament the loss of his drinking buddy when the esky did not have change for a $20 and he would have to drink the lot. Passions run high in the club and so in summing up Relics-Allstars Wars II it was a 3-2 victory to the Dark Side and it is hoped that the next meeting, in 10 days time will be better for the Rebels. “Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” The Banker. |
| Aug 21 M45A-2 vs Budgewoi Cobwebs , Result: 3 - 0 Win Budgies Plucked The events of Sunday’s match have tended to overshadow a tremendous 3- 0 win by the Relics over the Budgie Smugglers on Saturday. It was the first time the Relics have beaten the Smugglers The Relics went into the match against the Smugglers brimful of confidence after some strong recent performances. The old adage that a champion team will beat a team of champions was never more apt than in this match. To a man the Relics were there to support one another and this led to some wonderful team play right across the paddock. Despite dominating the first 40 minutes, the half time score was 0-0. The writing, however, was on the wall. It was only a matter of time before the Relics’ dominance translated into goals. Banker continued his great form up front. The Relics first goal came after Banker got his generous melon to a corner kick. The ball, rather than deflecting to the intended target (the goal) fell to the feet of Darchinyan who made no mistake punishing the ball into the back of the net. Banker pressured the Smugglers defence for 80 minutes. This pressure paid huge dividends with the man with the money booting home two goals himself. A deserved man of the match performance. Banker celebrated heartily post match knocking back more cans of Pepsi than he care to remember. Interestingly some keen Relics watchers have noted that due to Bankers shift up front, the Relics’ defence and attack have both been strengthened! The backbone of good attack is good defence. This match was no exception. The real work was done at the back. Smokey, Wreckin’ Ball, Statue, The Toe and Crowch were impressive. They withstood, with ease, everything the Smugglers threw at them, turning defence into attack with either scintillating runs forward, or laser-like precision passing. The mid-field also impressed with the Wyong Whiz combining well with Shadow, Howler, Bung, Tolly, Wildthing and the Hat to pressure the beleaguered Smugglers. With their bums well and truly wiped the Smugglers left the field at the final whistle a beaten brigade. No doubt they will remember this loss and will look to atone when next we meet. Well done team! Bex |
| Aug 08 M45A-2 vs Gosford Cavemen , Result: 4 - 0 Win Relics’ Crush Cavemen The Kincumber Relics’ have finally scored some goals to record a decisive 4-0 win over the Gosford Cavemen in the match of the day at Frost Reserve. In front of a highly vocal crowd the Relics’ combined attacking brilliance with steadfast defence to send the visitors home battered, bruised and beaten. It was especially satisfying for the boys in maroon and baby poo yellow after the Cavemen had ‘got away with one’ in their last encounter. The Relics’ now have the Avoca Gumbies in their ‘cross-hairs’ looking for revenge after a dismal second half display in their last match. The Relics’ took to the field with a spring in their step, clearly buoyed by the opportunity to play under master coach Bex for the first time. Bex’s leadership was inspirational. He led from the front and came up with a team line-up that was able to execute with swiss-watch precision. Sadly, Bex’s coaching career has ended as quickly as it came, announcing his retirement post match. All eyes will again be on Crowch next week! With star players all over the field several dominated. Statue stunned the vocal and partisan crowd the several ‘runs’, squashing rumours that he had lost the capacity to move. Darchinyan, obviously clean winded after clearing his throat, looked menacing every time he touched the ball. Howler with wolf-like tenacity launched run after run only to be denied glory with some pitiful shots on goal. Banker, too, looked the goods on many occasions until it came to the actual shot. The Wyong Whizz again had a strong game and like the ‘Hayne plane’ no look pass, the Whiz has taken the fake shot-pass to a new level. Dallas who is having ‘roid problems on several levels had an anxious start to the game when it was revealed that Tolly had swapped his Agarol with his Dencorub. This accounts for Dallas’ red face (and red arse) and burning desire to chase the ball like a retriever. The Hat in a comeback after injury looked solid. Shadow looked very comfortable at sweeper while Bung showed glimpses of the form that won him the o/45s player of the year in 1983. Smokey, who kept a clean sheet over the weekend, actually had an opportunity to complete the SMH cryptic crossword in goals such was the strength of the Relics’ defence. Overall it was a very pleasing performance. On a disappointing note the Budgie Smugglers forfeited their match against the Kincumber Superstars. The Smugglers have a long roster of players and it is disappointing that one of the competition frontrunners couldn’t find it past their own arrogance to field a team. Week as wee water! Bex |
| Aug 07 M45A-2 vs Doyalson Wolves , Result: 0 - 0 Draw Nil all Bore Fails to Enthuse Crowd The Relics’ have failed to enliven a hearty crowd at Frost yesterday with a nil all draw against the Doyalson Wolves. The Wolves sit in fourth position and on yesterday’s performance will struggle big time in the semis if they make it. Crouch will be hoping for a more enthusiastic performance from his beleaguered Relics against the Cavemen in today’s blockbuster. The match begins at 2.45 and will be the main Sunday feature at Frost. The Hat also disappointed with the performance yesterday has assured Relics supporters that the match against the Cavemen will be a ‘goal feast’. Hopefully he was referring to the Relics and not their foe! The Relics’ failure to finish was again the main problem against the Wolves. So desperate were the Relics in attack that Banker and Wreckin’ Ball were both moved forward in a vain attempt to score goals. Unfortunately the move backfired with both men looking out of their depth. Hopefully their defensive skills have not been tarnished by their forays into the attacking zone. It is clear that Crowch needs to do something to fire up the forward line – maybe he needs to heed the advice he was given by the great Sir Alec Ferguson!! To be fair several Relics were carrying illness/injury into the match: Darchinyan was complaining he was short-winded as he had “a bit of Flem caught in his throat” [actual quote - ask Darchinyan] Howler caught a bout of ‘kennel cough’ from one of the opposition wolves prior to the match. Whiz was strapped up like ‘Paleface Adious’ and resembled a broken down trotter as he hobbled his way around the field (and somehow still got the 3 points) much to the delight of his supporters from Wyong. Statue was still carrying a fat lip from the match against the Superstars. Shadow is still recovering from his cosmetic surgery. Dallas’ ‘roids were still giving him some problems (haemorrhoids not steroids). Despite the tame draw several Relics looked sharp. The athletic Smokey got airborne to deny the Wolves a goal in their only shot on goal. Wild Thing, always the innovator, used the surprise tactic of a midfield bomb late in the match in an attempt to break the deadlock. The Toe was ‘johnny on the spot’ on numerous occasions to quell the Wolves’ attack and Bung looking spritely as he turned defence into attack. Hopefully this correspondent will have some goals to talk about from today’s match! Post Script: In details just to hand the Tossils have firmed dramatically in competition betting after savaging the Superstars (2- 0) and the Cavemen spanked the Smugglers 6-0 at Budgewoi! It is understood that both Tossil goals came after defensive errors from Diamond Reid. There are rumours that Diamond is on the outer with his team which explains his presence at the Relics’ match yesterday. Is he trying to sure up a gig for 2011? He will be disappointed! Bex |
| Jul 25 M45A-2 vs Kincumber Allstars , Result: 0 - 2 Loss Sunday July 25, and the Relics were drawn to play the second game of the weekend’s double header at Fagan’s Park. It was also Ladies Day at Frost Reserve and for some unknown reason Posh was unavailable for the Relics. Coincidence? Nevertheless in a fine display of Fashions on the Field the Relics discarded their usual attire and donned their resplendent Red, White and Blue alternate strips for the long anticipated clash with arch rivals the All Stars. Not a thoroughbred to be seen amongst them but definitely some old warhorses, stallions and perhaps even geldings chomping at the bit and ready to run. The Relics were not so fresh from their last start, or perhaps more appropriately called an 80 minute warm up against the Cavemen the previous day, whereas the All Stars were keen for a run as a dead track the day before saw their Saturday meeting abandoned. The Relics welcomed back Statue after a brief spell travelling the Asian circuit but his return was however scant consolation for the loss of Whiz, who was off watching the trotting or capitulating Tigers or some such thing and Blackbeard who had track work elsewhere as well as the missing Posh. Maximillion was apparently stuck in the barriers and missed the start by a good 20 minutes (comments were heard later that it was not until after his introduction to the game that the All Stars hit the lead). The game started slowly as the weary legged dragged themselves into the game with little to excite the crowd, both of them, although an early break away by Cap’n Hat saw a shot go only inches wide of Man Mountain’s far post, for what was probably the Relic’s best, or only serious threat of the first half. Likewise the attack by the All Stars whilst consistent lacked any real venom. Skills were not really on show although one brilliant display of dressage saw the Beer Bitch aka Dallas in his dazzling white socks (a contrast to the rest of the team all in blue) perform a twinkle toes like pirouette and actually continue to control the ball stunning any onlookers. And with the half drawing to a close a brief altercation broke out after Wrecking Ball and Mustapha of the All Stars collided and a slow reacting Statue was unable to clear the jump crashing down upon them. No serious damage but a penalty incurring Yellow Card (six-pack shout apparently) ensued for Mustapha. The somewhat exhausted Relics were glad for the half time break and excited to have held the famed All Stars scoreless for the half. Turning for home the two teams resumed the struggle again with the All Stars controlling most of the play albeit with the occasional breakaways by the Relics’ sprinters Howler and Axe. After again containing the All Stars for a good while a stumble finally saw the impasse broken when a relatively innocuous cross was headed passed Smokey from close range. Punters at the track immediately protested to the stewards about the scorer jumping the start but the linesman was unmoved and the goal stood. The All Stars buoyed by their lead continued to press and the Relics undoubtedly subdued were further rocked when a Fine Cotton incident arose shortly thereafter. A seemingly harmless corner by the All Stars took a nasty bounce and after a neat deflection by Wrecking Ball that would have seen the ball fall harmlessly wide the cat-like reflexes of Statue on the near post saw an amazing feat of skill to somehow bring the ball back just inside the post for a very soft own goal. Whilst their goal scoring combination was sound it was not impressive enough to see Wrecking Ball feature in the coach’s points for the match though continuing tradition Statue was rewarded. From that point there appeared little prospect of the Relics getting back into the match as exhaustion began to show, although Crow’ch, had a half opportunity when Man Mountain possibly asleep due to inactivity dropped a ball near his feet, but with the aid of the referee and a fortuitous free kick was able to re-gather. With the game drawing to a close a dashing, but pointless, sprint by Cap’n Hat saw him blow a fetlock and pull up lame. track sidetrack sidetrack sideWhilst immediately replaced a trackside examination indicated it was too early to consider putting him down though it is not expected he will recover for next week’s rematch. A fair but hard fought result leading to a combined post match celebration by both teams before it all starts again next week. The Banker. |
| Jul 17 M45A-2 vs Berkeley Vale Rustics , Result: 0 - 2 Loss Bandits Steal Victory Over Crooks The Berkeley Bandits have stolen a two nil victory against the Kincumber Crooks in a dour struggle between the O/45 competition bad- boys. Both teams went into the match as confirmed cheats after failing to challenge rulings from Central Coast Football that each had played player/s contrary to the very poorly written CCF player qualification rules. The opening 20 minutes of the match, played on the postage stamp like Kurraba Field, was owned by the Crooks with the Bandits at sixes and sevens in defence as the Crooks’ midfield and front line attacked the Bandits’ goal at will. During this period the Crooks had numerous chances to score and should have converted at least two goals. Team speedster ‘Baby Face Nelson’ continually found space, and when the ball fell comfortably to his right foot he looked very dangerous. Several times Baby Face found himself one on one with the keeper but, seemingly lacking the killer instinct for which he is famous, failed to finish. The Crooks best chance in the first half came when Baby Face pushed a shot just wide of the right hand post. The miss was bad enough but the spindly ‘Jesse James’, who was parked on the right post, could not complete the simple tap-in for a goal. Jesse James has never missed such an easy target! Shortly after the near miss the Bandits went ahead 1-0 after some deft headwork from ‘Hannibal Lector’ which saw him squirt the ball past ‘Fat Tony' for an own goal. Lector, always looking for the positives, reminded those that play up front that goals can be scored from the head! He then added if they had a problem with it he would eat them. The Bandits were up 1-0 but not out of gaol. The Crooks continued to press hard for a death blow. Midfield sensation ‘Billy the Kid’ was combining well in attack with coach ‘Manson’ and new eyes ‘Al Capone’ to continually put Baby Face, Jesse James and Jack the Ripper in strong attacking positions. The Crooks went to the half time break down 1-0 but deeply in the contest. One over-sized Bandit was lucky to survive alive after an altercation with Manson. The second half saw the Crooks continue to push for the equalizer. Jack the Ripper swooped onto a great ball from Captain ‘Kelly’ down the left flank to snap a super shot on goal. The shot looked in for all money! It missed. Later Jack was to hit the crossbar with another sensational strike. The Crooks defence, as usual, looked impregnable (unless we score against ourselves). ‘Dr Evil’ had another strong match. The bald evil doers ability to turn with the ball on a two cent piece, obviously a hangover from his hockey days, quickly turned defence into attack. His combination with Lector and his fellow backs the drunk Russian ‘Rasputin’, the angry ‘Ted Bundy’, the cunning ‘Lee Harvey Oswald’ and the legendary ‘Robin Hood’ withstood just about anything the Bandits tried in attack. Robin Hood, the Beckham of his time, was inspirational at full-back. (Note Robin Hood played by Errol Flynn!) The Bandits’ second goal came from no where! An aging gray Bandit, thinking he was Billy the Kid, struck a goal from 30m out. The ball went like a bullet to the top left of the goal just wide of the outstretched Fat Tony. All in all, for a bunch of crooks, the team played reasonably well. As mentioned earlier the game was played on an oval the size of a postage stamp and was, for the most part, a ‘shotathon’. The Crooks will relish the opportunity to get back onto a larger field next week against The Cavemen and the Superstars. According to the sidelined Crook ‘Sitting Bull’ the players to stand out were Jack the Ripper, Ned Kelly, Dr Evil, Fat Tony and Hannibal Lector. Robin Hood |
| Jun 27 M45A-2 vs Berkeley Vale Rustics , Result: 3 - 2 Win Relics Revel in Double Header (apologies to Hat and Howler) Les Whiz at Logger Heads with Monsieur Crowch Wreckin Ball Breaks Duck The Relics have lifted after last week’s debacle against the Gumbies to record a spirited draw against the Smugglers and a solid 3-2 victory against a ‘new look’ Berkeley Vale outfit in a searching double header (sorry again Howler and Hat) this weekend. Packing cut lunch and compass the Relics ventured north to Smuggler land with 12 and a half fit players (Darchinyan suffering from Rothman’s Lung) on Saturday, the first day of the double header (again, sorry Hat and Howler) to tackle the 2009 Premiers and 2010 flag favourites. The early exchanges were tough and torrid, with the Relics lifting to match their more fancied opponents. Whiz was combining well with Shadow, Pigeon (Coops) and Crowch to control the midfield. It looked only a matter of time before the Relics would hit the back of the net. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, the Relics strikers could not find the target. Dismayed by the number of near misses, backs stalwart and team strategist Banker whispered to Wild Thing “go forward young man and show them how it is done”. Immediately Wild Thing instigated a move from the defensive goal line, to finish in the six yard box at the other end to belt the ball past a despairing keeper. “That’s how it is done”, exclaimed a clearly jubilant Thing. The Relics went to the first half break 1-0 leaders and all over the smarting Smugglers like a cheap suit. Les Whiz Les Freak All seemed hunky dory at half time until Whiz, drawing on his French heritage (great great grandmother on his father’s side) snapped. In scenes never witnessed in o/45s football before Les Whiz savagely attacked his team-mates and Coach!! He was heard to yell directly at the Coach: sac le bleu Monsieur Crowch, je ne comprends pas, je suis le meilleur donnez-moi la balle vous avez tous besoin. Coup de boules! Je suis d'ici’! With that Whiz shot through. Crowch reacted with equal vitriol! He yelled after Whiz and said, you pompous xxxxxx xxxxx from Wyong, hit the road and don’t come back Fizz. A shocked team then turned on Crowch threatening not to continue unless he apologised to Whiz. Captain Hat doing his best Patrice Evra impersonation took after Whiz, and after a short confidential conversation seemed to placate Whiz. It is not known what Hat said to Whiz but it has been suggested that Whiz blew up because he hasn’t got a proper number on his shirt. He is not happy with number 12 and not happy the numbers don’t match! With peace seemingly restored the remaining Relics agreed to take the field for the second half. The Relics immediately began the second period where they left off and it wasn’t long before keeper - come midfielder Blackbeard got his shiny orb to the ball in the box glancing a solid strike from Shadow past a hapless keeper. Extra Time Goal The Relics looked the goods until the final 20 minutes when a torrent of possession led to a Smugglers goal. It seemed that every call went the way of the Smugglers in the second half as the Budgewoi Soccer Club Secretary, moonlighting as the referee for the day, did his best to keep his boys in the match. The referee has obviously watched too much World Cup football over the last week as the Smugglers managed to claw a draw through a dodgy goal in the fourth minute of extra time!! At the end of the match Cowch praised the efforts of almost all of team, obviously still smarting from his exchange with the Whiz. Relics Beat the Berkeley Vale Burglars In the second match of the weekend double header (woops Howler and Hat) the Relics have avenged their first round defeat beating a new- look Berkeley Vale 3-2. Prior to the match the Relics witnessed a touching embrace between Crowch and Whiz, obviously peace had been restored. Apparently a flurry of midnight text messages between the two had cleared the air. Mud Clod Nearly Kills Burglar's Keeper The Burglars took to the field brim full of confidence after donkey licking the Kincumber Superstars the previous day. Despite this confidence, the Relics opened brilliantly controlling all aspects of play and after five minutes were up 1-0 through a deft strike from the diminutive Howler. Howler soon found himself in a similar position, but instead of piloting the ball through the sticks for a second goal he missed the ball lifting a clod of Fagan’s Park turf directly at the stunned Burglar’s keeper. The keeper copped a clod in the head while the ball dribbled aimlessly over the goal line. After this some Relics (in the back line) were heard to question whether Howler's earlier goal was a fluke! The Relics continued to apply pressure, earning a corner at the 20 minute mark. Corner guru Captain Hat launched a tremendous ball directly to the Whiz at the top of the box. In a moment of sublime skill Whiz projected himself parallel to the turf before smashing a scintillating volley into the top left of the goal. Onlookers were stunned. The Burglars jaws’ dropped. Traffic came to a stand-still, and a passing dog stopped pissing midstream. Nobody, however, was more shocked than the Whiz’s own kids, except for the Whiz himself. At 2-0 up the Relics were doing it easy, but in scenes reminiscent of the Relics’ capitulation to the Gumbies it wasn’t long before the Burglars had clawed their way back to 2-2. The Burglars first goal came after a opportunist cross which somehow found its way into the top corner of the net. Relics Back Scores Second Goal for the Weekend Not to be outdone by Wild Thing a day earlier, rookie back Wreckin Ball was keen to get his name on the score sheet as he skilfully manoeuvred the ball past the keeper. His excitement, however, was short lived when he realised the keeper was Darchinyan and he had scored the equaliser to bring the Burglars back to 2-2. Blackbeard Seals Victory The second period turned into a dour struggle with the ball being kicked from end to end as each side tried hard for the winning goal. With seven minutes remaining Shadow and Crowch combined to put a ball through to Statue, Tolly and Blackbeard who were camped near the Burglars goal. After a front of goal struggle Tolly and Statue paved the way for Blackbeard to steer the ball into the goal with his pelvis. Victory to the Relics!! The entire Relics’ squad have dug deep this weekend, well and truly back in the hunt for premiership glory. Lets rissole the Tossils next week!! Becks |
| Jun 19 M45A-2 vs Avoca Gummies , Result: 2 - 4 Loss Crack the Code for the Match Report Tllw urihg szou! Evib u%*#@m liwrmzib rm gsv hvxlmw! Kozbvw orpv kfhhrvh! Klhs |
| Jun 12 M45A-2 vs Doyalson Wolves , Result: 1 - 0 Win Blackbeard Cuts the Throats of Hapless Wolves while the Wyong Whizz Sizzles The Relics have got their season back on track with a comfortable 1-0 win over the Wolves at Doyalson. It was a great team effort with the management committee of Crowch, Hat and Darchinyan grinning like Cheshire cats post match. Their grins grew larger when news filtered through that the seemingly unbeatable Kincumber Superstars were smashed by the Tossils and the Smugglers were held to a draw by the Cavemen. Judged best on field, midfield danger-man Blackbeard wielded his cutlass like a pirate possessed. There was no bandanna today – no reason to secure his buccaneers on his buccanhead. The crafty old sea dog cut loose slicing his way through the Wolves at will. Wolf after wolf was left chasing their tail. He showed no mercy. His skills on the ball were a sight to behold. At times even the Wolves crowd stood as one to cheer in awe at his renowned signature runs. His passing was also exquisite – a worthy man of the match performance. Crowch also saw merit in the performances of Darchinyan and the Axe. Crowch’s judgement was spot on. Darchinyan owned the right side of the field swooping on ball after ball with gay abandon. He exploited defensive weakness in his opposition with monotonous ease using his own unique brand of cunning and guile to underscore the Relics attack. The Chin was on fire. If Darchinyan can maintain this form he will be at unbackable odds to win a second (and successive) Central Coast 45A’s player of the year. Darchinyan and Blackbeard were ably supported by plumber and part-time barman the Axe. The rain-forced layoff has obviously done the Axe a world of good. His kidneys, lungs and liver never better. He was everywhere in attack and defence. In defence he struck his opposition like an exocet missile. In attack he tore straight through any would- be defence. So dominant was his performance even the opposition players were pleading with the Hat to sub him from the game. The match started in difficult circumstances when stand-in captain,Banker, lost the toss forcing the Relics to run into a gale, uphill and into a blinding sun for the first half. Remarkably, in the second half the wind stopped and the sun spent most of the period shielded by cloud. The pitch even seemed to level out. The Relics continue to be behind the eight ball conditions-wise in every match. Crowch must find a better tosser. It has been suggested that Crowch will call for a ‘toss off’ on Thursday at the conclusion of indoor training. Howler, who indicated that he has participated in such events before, has offered to bring the SAO – whatever that means. It is also understood that Wreckin Ball and Wild Thing are keen to take on the tossing job and will be practising hard in the lead-up to the ‘toss off’. Even though the Doyalson goals were oversize (1m too high) the Relics could only convert one out of their forty odd shots on goal. Howler managed to convert the Relics’ only goal after a goal-mouth scrap, but also missed two open goals at stages during the match. The attacking mid-field and strikers continually found themselves in goal scoring territory – but to no avail. Despite this Statue, Darchinyan, Howler and the Axe are forming a great combination. They are hunting as a pack. In an encouraging sign, former Wyong flyer Whiz enjoyed significant match time. Even though he pulled up a little sore in the left hamstring, Whiz is confident that he is approaching full fitness. This will be a blessing for the Relics as to-date Whiz has promised much but delivered little. Shadow and Crowch had their usual solid games whilst it was again the Relics’ defence which reigned supreme. The Relics now boast the second best defence in the league, only one opposition goal behind the Tossils. Wild Thing, the Toe, Bung, Smokey, Wreckin Ball, Banker and Becks were resolute in the commitment to reject any attacking move from their opposition. Dallas in goals was sensational. Dallas turned back the clock, diving around like a 45 year old. Finally, the Hat looked comfortable in the pre-match warm-up and he looks set to enter the fray once more in the coming weeks. This is great news for the Relics as it was feared that the Hat’s season was finished. Post Script: Dallas continues to disappoint as Beer Bitch. Becks |
| May 15 M45A-2 vs Killarney Fossils , Result: 1 - 1 Draw Relics’ Denied Deserved Victory An appalling off-side call has marred what was a magnificent effort from the boys in maroon and baby poo yellow who drew 1-1 with the Tossils. From the outset of this match the Tossils undermined the confidence of the rookie teenage referee through continual cat calls, whinging and whining. The cranky grandfather act eventually worked for the Tossils when the Relics were denied a legitimate match winning goal by the beleaguered young referee late in the second half. According to one impartial onlooker “The Tossils were desperate. They were doing their best Greg Louganis and Matthew Mitcham impersonations at every opportunity. They hassled the poor kid in the middle for penalties. They got away with murder. The Relics should have won by four goals!” The match was a very physical encounter with the Relics’ defence again leading the way thwarting every attacking foray from the Tossils. Apart from a penalty in the first two minutes of the match the Tossils never really threatened the goal again with Banker, Wrecking Ball, The Toe, Becks, Bung and Dallas resolute in defence. Alarm bells must be ringing at Shelly Beach as the aging Tossils are looking very much like a one man team. The Relic’s first goal came after Howler passed the ball to Darchinyan after pouncing on a poor back pass to the goal keeper. Darchinyan converted the goal unopposed. Whilst the Relics defence shone the forward line overall was disappointing. If the Relics are going to be a force in this year’s competition strikers Darchinyan, Howler, Axe, Blackbeard and Statue have to start finding the back of the net! It must be of concern to Crowch that the Gosford Cavemen have scored more goals in season 2010 than the Relics! Mid Field Management A plus for the Relics in recent matches has been the control of the midfield. This week Darchinyan replaced The Glass Slipper in the midfield and he combined well with Crowch and Shadow to secure the middle of the pitch. In the first round our control in the middle was abysmal. If we can secure the midfield the Relics should atone for the first round defeat at the hands of Berkeley Vale. Match Points Controversy Continues Many Relics have fallen behind 2009 O/45s player of the year Darchinyan in questioning Crowch’s allocation of match points. The situation was described by one Relic as “appalling”. The rumour mill is running hot! Some Relics are even suggesting that that Crowch is having ‘relations’ with another team member. This particular team member, who shall remain nameless, has given away two penalties in as many weeks and still gets the MOM points!! Whilst this scribe does not believe the rumour for one minute it must be said that “where there is smoke there is fire!” Hat Injured The Hat has looks to have a torn medial collateral ligament and could be out for the season. Hat suffered the injury during his inglorious ‘dive” midway through the second half. The injury was the result of the enormous torque he placed on his left knee as he as he forced his bulking head and torso awkwardly toward the referee to appeal, mid- flight, his argument for a penalty. It was a pathetic sight. C’mon Hat your better than that! BB Continues to Disappoint The BB continues to struggle big time in his vital beer dispensing role. BB had the audacity and gall to serve up hot VB to the thirsty connoisseurs of fine beer post match. It was a disgrace! BB appears that he is in over his head. BB looks to have bitten off more than he can chew. Team management – end this embarrassment now! Becks |
| May 08 M45A-2 vs Budgewoi Cobwebs , Result: 1 - 2 Loss Darchinyan Spits Dummy – Rift With Crowch The Relics are a team in tatters tonight as details of a damaging rift between reigning 45s player of the year and former coach Darchinyan and 2010 coach, the Crowch. It is understood that the rift flared when Darchinyan privately attacked Crowch for his decision to award every player one point following their hard fought match against the Budgie Smugglers. It is also understood that Darchinyan was livid about not receiving the three points. According to an ex-Relic who allegedly witnessed the incident (Mickledildo) Darchinyan was heard to say with very aggressive tone and tenor and much finger pointing: “You got to be ***kin’ kiddin’ Crowch what did Becks and Statue do to deserve any points! They were spectators for most of the match” “As for Banker, he was sh*t. He was too slow and just lumbered from one mess to the next. His execution was poor” “…and The Toe, for Christ sakes Crowch, how could he get two points and I only got one. I mean, I am a champion! I am the current 45s player of the year! I am a star! I was easily the best out there today you pri*k! In a display of absolute calm it was reported to this scribe, from the informant, that Crowch merely replied: “Wake up to yourself Darchinyan!” “Suck it up and get on with it, and by the way you are starting on the bench against the Tossils! Wild Thing Ignites Crowd Newcomer Wild Thing continues to impress with some solid defence and scintillating runs out wide. So keen is Wild Thing to show off his defensive prowess he even entertained the Vixens by taking out a Sulo bin mid way through the match. Post match it was revealed that Wild Thing may have suffered an injury after his collision with the bin. Happily for Kincumber football the bin will take its place next weekend adjacent to Frost 1! Not too sure about the Wild Thing! Budgie Smuggle Win By the way the match score was 2-1 with the Smugglers lucky to leave Frost with a win. As is reported elsewhere in the Blog a dodgy penalty gave the visitors their win. The Relics started the match on fire with numerous opportunities to score early. Howler, in particular, found himself one – on –one with the keeper several times but appeared to choke on his own fur ball to either push the ball straight to the keeper or miss the goals altogether. At some stage during the match all Relics strikers had either an open goal or were one – on – one with the keeper only to miss! As usual, defensively the Relics were strong. Reckin Ball, Banker, The Toe, Wild Thing and Smokey were resolute in defence. Rising 50 year old The Hat tried hard for the 80 minutes to rally his troops for a winning effort. Ambo’s Blackbeard and Dallas also had impressive non games. Midfield Getting the Feel of One Another The highlight of the match, however, is the emerging midfield partnership between Whiz, Shadow and Crowch. It won’t be long before this footballing ménage a trios will develop a deeper understanding of each others’ favourite moves and positions and begin to experiment and take further risks to set the Relics attack alight! All in all it was a solid display from the Relics who are champing at the bit to tackle The Tossils next week. Becks |
| May 01 M45A-2 vs Avoca Gummies , Result: 3 - 0 Win Howler Howls in Solid Relics’ Win Two first half goals, one to Blackbeard and the second to Howler, have paved the way for an effortless 3-0 win by the Relics against a struggling Gumbies outfit. The Relics’ third goal came midway through the second period thanks to an impressive Shadow penalty. The Relics took to the field a little shin sore from shooting practice and with their ears still ringing from a savage blast from Crouch at training. The Wednesday night punishment certainly paid dividends with the Relics’ forwards unleashing numerous shots on goal in the first twenty minutes. Both Howler and the Axe were unlucky not to secure early goals hitting the woodwork with good strikes. First to score, however, was Blackbeard who duly converted after looming onto a great through ball from the Shadow. Howler, playing up to an adoring vixen fan club, scored shortly afterward after an untidy scrap between players in the front of goal. The moment Howler’s goal dribbled over the line his fan club went wild. Unable to control his own excitement Howler immediately subbed himself from the field to receive first-hand the bouquets from Team Howler. Crouch Happy as Whiz Sheds Panties and Handbag Crouch was a happy man at half time, not only because of his team’s new found striking capacity, but because marquee signing The Whiz entered the fray for only the second time this year after allegedly re-injuring his foot during a cameo against Gosford. Whiz took a late decision to play after advice from his Physio who told him he was a wimp and there was nothing wrong with his foot. In fact, this correspondent has spoken exclusively with his Physio and what she actually said was “for xxxx’s sake Whiz, wipe the rouge from your cheeks, get rid of the lipstick, throw away your Barry Manilow collection, switch to his pants for him and get back onto the field!” Axe Ready to Rumble To their credit the Gumbies rallied in the early part of the second half but the relentless running, passing and stoic defence from the Relics soon had the Gumbies back-peddling and becoming frustrated. This frustration led to a nasty incident when the elusive Howler was cut down by a Gumby defender. Howler, immediately jumped to his feet and with gnashed teeth challenged the defender. He was joined by the Axe, steely eyed and ready to rumble. The referee, not sure what was happening as he was 50m from the action, blew his whistle loudly and somehow managed to gain control. Pitiful Pirate Penalty The Relics were desperately unlucky not to score a handful of goals in the second half. Blackbeard squirted a feeble penalty attempt straight to the goal keeper while both Darchinyan and Banker failed to convert simple headers in front of goals. Despite winning 3-0 the Relics will need to lift next week against a Smuggler’s outfit who will be smarting from a shock loss to the Tossils. Till next week! Becks |
| Apr 24 M45A-2 vs Doyalson Wolves , Result: 0 - 1 Loss Relics Squander Opportunities The Relics have suffered a sobering 1-0 loss against Doyalson in the third match of the 2010 season. Despite dominating field position for the entire match the Relics went under due to their inability to finish. Crowch tried numerous striking combinations throughout the match and it must be concerning him deeply that his front line is finding it difficult to hit the back of the net. The Relics began the match confidently. Bung, in particular, seems to have found a new lease on life in the last two matches. He is pushing his athletic frame to the limits and it is probably no coincidence that this new fire in the belly is due to Crowch’s announcement that the man of the match each week wins a can of beer! Banker, as usual, dominated the aerial exchanges and with his back three comrades easily repelled any attacking raid mounted by the aged wolves. Shadow owned the middle of the park combining well with the Hat, Howler, Blackbeard, Darchinyan and the ubiquitous Axe. At the start of the match Howler, however, looked lost, probably because we were playing the Wolves and he could sense some Canidae familiarity. He soon, however, joined his team-mates making numerous strong runs down the right flank (the backside sniffing, however, was a little off putting). The Axe, having his best match to-date treated the crowd to all of his tricks. He combined is back heels, head flicks, shoulder pushes and knee jabs well with his wildebeest-like running. It is obvious that no opponent relishes the task of marking the Axe! Axe also has joined Becks in releasing his own brand of women’s body spray. It is understood that each can of ‘Axe’ contains actual body sweat from the great man himself. It is also understood that ‘Axe’ is being sold through Coles, Kincumber and Bi-Lo Greenpoint. C’mon girls smother yourself in the scent of ‘Axe’. Axe is also considering a new business venture, a boot camp for women, featuring an exercise regime specifically designed by the Axe. At 0-0 at half time a clearly frustrated Relics skipper the Hat urged his chargers to stop XXXXin’ around and to ‘take the shot’. The second half started disastrously for the Relics as the Wolves pushed a ball through the backline to find one of their own looming onto the ball to push it past old Smokey. The Wolves only really threatened twice in the entire match, but were able to convert one of these! In the final twenty minutes the Relics were relentless in attack but could not find that elusive equalizer. Crowch must find a coaching answer to the scoring dilemma. A loss to 2009 wooden spooners the Gumbies next week may see the Relics lose touch with the top four. Crowch will need to put team egos aside and really drive his team hard on Wednesday night. Becks |
| Apr 17 M45A-2 vs Gosford Cavemen , Result: 3 - 1 Win The Shadow Stars in Emphatics Relics Win Veteran Relics ace, Shadow, turned the clock back several decades, using deft touches combined with striking firepower, to guide the Relics to a comfortable 3-1 win over the Gosford Cavemen. Others to shine, in what was a solid team effort were Blackbeard, Banker, Ball and Bung. Bung, formerly known as Maximillion, is a football court jester of the highest spirits. Bung dug into his bag of tricks on numerous occasions, running rings around the hapless Cavemen. Bung, again showed his versatility after the match, by being the first and last Relic to draw a can of beer from the esky. The Relics began the match in scintillating form. With some great passing and player movement the Relics were able to quickly turn defence into attack and it wasn’t long before Blackbeard loomed onto a ball in the box to push one past the Caveman with the gloves. In his post-goal exuberance Blackbeard was lucky not to earn a yellow card as he regaled the crowd in jolly revelry. It has obviously been a long time between drinks for our own Captain Sparrow. Crowch scored the Relics’ third goal and it came after he was ‘johnny on the spot’ in a scrap between attack and defence in front of the Cavemen goal.Not to be outdone in the celebration stakes, Crowch, was the lord of the dance during his post-goal jig. Shadow’s goal, however, was all class. As he weaved his way past several Cavemen, Shadow found himself in space 50m from goal when he noticed the goalkeeper had drifted a metre too far forward. Much to the delight and urging of the crowd Shadow then fired the mitre, like a cannon ball, over the head the awestruck goalie. There were no theatrics and no histrionics. Shadow calmly turned and jogged nonchalantly back to the centre circle. Marquee signing Ian “?” George, returning from a career threatening injury, looked the goods during a thirty minute stint in the midfield. No doubt he and Shadow will form a formidable combination in the centre of the park. Smokey, again impressed in goals, unlucky not keep a clean sheet. He fell victim to a perfectly placed corner which curled into the top right corner of the net. Smokey threw himself at the ball and got a hand to it but that was not enough to stop the goal. The Relics’ completely controlled this match and they should have won by many more goals. Numerous opportunities were squandered, particularly in the second half (it was 3-1 at half time). Statue, nursing a broken nose, went within an ace of scoring 20m from goal. Strikers Darchinyan, Axe and Howler had the ball at their feet many times in the goal box but were unable to convert. Darchinyan, in particular, will be keen to recapture the award winning form of season 2009. The Relics brain truss (Crowch and Hat) would be concerned about this lack of finishing and will no doubt be looking to an improved effort from the strikers in the next match against Doyalson. Becks |
| Apr 10 M45A-2 vs Berkeley Vale Rustics , Result: 0 - 1 Loss Beer Drought Adds to Relics’ Woes Amid stifling heat and a narrow 1-0 defeat at the hands of o/45 newcomers the Berkeley Vale Rustics (BVR), the Relics looked a forlorn mob post match as the esky ran dry within 15 minutes. New Beer Bitch, Roid Man, was busy trying to find a hole to hide in as The Hat’s mum and Relic after Relic ventured to an empty esky looking for sustenance. Message to BB from your fellow relics – lift your game! The Hat, wearing the captain’s arm-band for the first time this season continued the team’s proud tradition of losing the toss (he obviously learnt well from Mickledinho). Running uphill, into the wind and a piercing sun, a new-look Relics outfit hit the field eager to impress against BVR. The first half was tough for the Relics. BVR pushed the ball around well and seemed to have options at every juncture of play. The Relics were at sixes and sevens battling to effectively mark up on their opponents. If it wasn’t for some great defensive play from the Relics’ back four the Relics’ may well have been down two or three goals at half time. In the end the Relics’ went to the break 0-0. As the weary Relics sought the half-time shade a number looked at the team esky with many making comments like: “I can’t wait for a beer at full-time” and “I hope BB has packed plenty of VB.” Crowtch took a calm approach to his half time talk. He noted the efforts his team was making and made some significant changes to the team’s defensive patterns. He instructed every man except for Banker to mark up on a player. This initially confused new keeper Smokey who positioned himself in the opponent’s goal mouth for the commencement of the second half. The second half was a much different affair. Crowtch’s instructions worked a treat and the Relics’ dominated the majority of this period. Apart from one minor blemish which resulted in an unremarkable BVR goal, the Relics’ were unlucky not to win the match, particularly as BVR brought everyman back in defence for the final 10 minutes following their goal. This pussy ploy was obviously due to the Relics dominance in the final 20 minutes and BVR’s respect for the Relics’ attacking machine. New Relics Wrecking Ball, Wild Thing and Smokey had great games. With sweat beading down his glimmering globe Wrecking Ball was everywhere. He combined deft passing with resolute defence. WB will be an asset is season 2010. One criticism, however, came from Banker who indicated post match that he was often blinded by the glare emanating from WB’s shiny orb. It is understood that on sunny days Crowtch will request that WB wear a scarf. Some fellow Relics even suggested a mask or balaclava! Wild Thing, obviously playing up to a devoted fan club, rattled the bones of a number of Rustics with some excellent front on defence. WT, too, has impressed fellow Relics and a great season in 2010 is also assured. New keeper Smokey, who has been ultra impressive in trial games, looked the goods in the first competitive hit out. Smokey will be a vital cog in the Relics machine this season and he will fill the vacant keeper position nicely in 2010. Bring on Gosford! Becks |
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